Moral of the Story: We Suck (By Laurel)

The title says it all.

In actuality I feel like we owe our viewers a post more than we owe this damn website the time of day to even check our match.com emails. Are they even called emails? Who the hell knows. Long story short, I haven't checked my account for at least a month and just logged in today (after a kind sir told me he paid for a month membership just to email me.. Yiiiikes) and found 71 unread emails. WOOOOOOOOF.

Thank you, Home Alone. You never fail me.

The second moral of the story? There is no way in hell I am getting to any of these emails. Even if I wanted to there is no chance. So this, my friends, is why Kate and I have been so negligent in our duties to you (her count is I believe 55 - she shied away after a man texted her "Good Morning, have a great day!"... red flag when you haven't yet met someone in person. But she can give you the deets on that).

So, not only is this post an apology (thought not really because God knows I don't need any more awkward moments in my life) but also another excuse to share that video so that people can finally understand my reference. Aside, of course, from my freak college roommates who are truly the only people who still understand me. Much love, bitches.

A couple of funny thoughts/stories/happenings before I sign off:

1) In all honesty, who pays for a month membership to send an email?! No! Stop it! People like this exist?! I have even less hope for humans that I did when I started... which basically puts me on the negative side of the scale. Godspeed, everyone.

2) The men on Millionaire Matchmaker really are disasters that can't be fixed by Patti Stanger. I would know, I was emailed by one. And not only was I emailed by a near 40 year old, he REFERENCED the videos of him on YouTube from his stint on the show. As though that is attractive. Reality check, brother, everyone knows that the men on that show are train wrecks. You couldn't give me all of your money to date you. PS you live in BRENTWOOD.

3) ... The men on Millionaire Matchmaker also send FOLLOW-UP emails. Juuuuuust in case you didn't get it the first time. No, sir, my non response is your answer. I didn't accidentally not respond. Not a "whoops" moment.

If I ever get around to reading these emails, I'm sure I'll have more to say. For now, just wanted to make sure you guys knew that we are alive and have not been kidnapped/killed/raped by the men on Match.com. On the contrary, we both spent $400 in 2 hours shopping yesterday. That's what I call a success.

Over and out.
L

We are Up to NO Good

We have taken the rules (if there are any) of Match.com and thrown that shit out the window. Remember brita filter guy? The one who hasn't changed his brita filter in two years?! Our mutual fav. After a glass of wine and the discovery of the Match.com app (see all feelings on it below) we decided to email him. This is how it went down.

It looks as though our trouble making may have lead to success - and we aren't even mad that we are wearing the pants! We have also come to the conclusion that we must bring him a gift. Why? Because honestly he is probably taking pity on us and we need to properly express our gratitude. We have been saying we need some male counterparts for a while and we know he has funny friends hiding somewhere. Our plan? A new Brita filter. [Note: Kate keeps them casually stashed in her apartment, by the way]. Let's just hope he uses it (we will keep you posted, obvi). Now for some individual input into this conversation:  

KATE: 

After hearing the great news, Laurel had a gem of a comment and I would like to point out the following: 1) I don't disagree at all with with the statement below but I do wish to clarify that while, yes, this is a very typical Kate statement, no, it did not come from me and 2) I is aware that there is a good handful of you out there that are shocked that I may have changed my  ways. I wants to throw you a big old "psyyychhheee" (like we would have in the 90s) because absolutely nothing has change. Anyway: here is Laurel's response to our success. 

 

Couldn't have put it better myself, Lo! 

LAUREL:

Oookay 1) he signs his name LB. Like its a place. It's like an episode of the Dream Team takes LB and LB is obviously the place to be; 2)  I have been trying to bring back psyche for a while so thanks, K.; 3) I would like to preface this entire conversation by first referencing how my night began...Long story short it went something like this: Kate telling me I smelled delicious, me telling her that I didn't have anything on and that she must just like my pheromones which means we are supposed to be together forever. Feel free to take a second to digest that. I wasn't at all joking, by the way. SINS if that makes anyone uncomfortable.  Anyway, clearly we were in for a doozy of an evening - I mean, we tag-teamed someone on Match.com and Kate thought the old men trolling around were semi attractive. Blame it on the pheromones. 

Lastly, we may or may not have threatened LB by appending our most recent email with the following post-script: 

"Don't even try to hide your funny friends from us." This time, we can't blame it on...well, anything. 

Over and out,

Kate and Laurel: The Dream Team 

There's an App (by: Kate)

Soooo, there is an app for this. For the first time ever I am excited to have a Droid (well let's not get ahead  of ourselves, the index card still sucks) due to the fact there is a match.com app. Laurel has app envy. Sucker!

A few positives and negatives of course:
+ Positive: full constant access
- Negative: full constant access (we all know I love a good Facebook and Twitter browse; now add my match app to the list)
+ Positive: access when you are on the go (more to come on that topic)
- Negative: potential notifications - if the green light is flashing it will annoy the shit out of me until I check it and makes me the person who (sometimes!) is always on their phone. You win some you lose some. SINS.
- Negative: again constant full access (What if I missed a notification?! Oh I'll just check it. I can hear the thoughts popping up one by one.)
+ Positive: being in a bar accepting and or denying match with a friend, hahah.

Well that is a pretty even split although the negatives are a bit more intense than the positives but what the hell, who cares?! The funny thing is I still go online and forget about my full access app, can't teach a dog new ticks I suppose.

K

Day 6: 5 Things I've Learned (By Laurel)

Per Kate's post yesterday, we have learned more than we ever wanted to about this process. Like to the point where I wish I had a secretary to lend me their eyes, ears, hands and opinions (though I may or may not have already enlisted the help of a couple of friends at work to clear my Match.com inbox). However, what I did not anticipate was learning so much about myself throughout the whole process. Read, enjoy and judge me: 


1) I am an elitist. I wish I was joking. I have always approached relationships and men in the best way: as long as they have aspirations and goals and a good heart - sign. me. up. Nay. Not the case. I am finding that the first thing I look at is where you got your undergraduate degree? "Some college"? - absolutely not. Not only that, but out of those that have pursued a Bachelor's degree (or higher.. so sexy) I definitely, without a doubt, expect them to have gone to a top school. If we aren't in the same realm of intelligence then it's just not going to fly with me. To many this doesn't come as a surprise but for me it has been SHOCKING. I mean I tell myself that so much happens in peoples lives that doesn't afford them the same opportunities as I had. I shouldn't judge, right? Yet then the other side of me speaks up and reminds my other half that I expect a lot from a future boyfriend. Though I won't be as hard on him as I will be on myself, I expect things! Intellect, drive and a great Bachelor's degree under their belt is something I value a lot. 


2) If he has cats, see ya. There's nothing I find more unattractive than a cat man.  It's just too much for me. 


3) Forward is not always better. I now have a "hold your horses, cowboy" approach. Here's the deal: I am finding men are more attractive to me depending on their approach to this whole Match.com thing. For instance, give me your number right away? Not going to happen. Tell me to "drool over your profile and then text you?" - please remove yourself from my line of cyber vision and go on your merry way, sir. What I thought I would appreciate in a man? A very forward approach. As any woman, we want to know we are appreciated and wanted. Not only that but a man that is incredibly forward knows what he wants and that is sexy as all hell.  Not the case in this online dating world. I much prefer a casual approach - the exchange of a couple of emails with some good banter and then an invitation to meet for coffee. Done. Friends if not anything more. 


4) I am TOTALLY FINE being single.  To those of you that know me this is not at all a surprise. When I wrote on my profile that I was stubborn I meant STUB-BORN (Note: my sister concocted a great Native American name for me.. Stubborn Bull. I was 7 when this was decided just to give you an idea of how this may have become more pronounced with age).  In fact, my best friend was yelling at me the other night about this whole process and telling me not to take distance into account. Her logic was that that I can move for someone if it is worth it. My response? Oh hell no, girlfriend, he can come to me. Her response? "I am going to laugh so hard when the right guy comes along and you turn to jello. See ya, stubborn Laurel." Regardless (wow that was an incredible tangent, my apologies), I've realized that I am totally 100% fine being single.  In a way, my stubbornness always knew this. I have always put my education, career and family above all else and could care less if I am "alone." Because, I'm sorry, you are not ALONE and please stop being a sob story. But now I know even MORE. Because as much as I was hoping to find the opposite, I feel like these websites are full of people looking for "the one." Me? I'm not going to lie, I just want Kate and I to have new friends to drink with. Maybe their friends are hot? 


5) Men of my past, I miss you. Yes, a broad statement, I know. I would just like to publicly express my appreciation for all of the men of my past. The organic connections we made are largely missed so thank you for (most likely) 1) buying me a drink at the 9-0, 2) sharing Chano's steak nachos with me at your apartment/fraternity house/room AND buying it for me (chivalry is not dead), 3) doing karaoke with me or 4) all of the above. It wasn't fully appreciated at the time as fully "organic" but Moses would I kill for that now.  Needless to say, the whole process is not right for me. As Kate accurately put it, where's my cocktail with that email?!


So, that's what I've learned. I also want to let you guys know that I have created a filter for my Match.com notifications. TG FOR YOU, GMAIL!!!! I am now way less anxiety ridden. 


Also, this happened: 

....


Worst. Nightmare. 


L

Herding Cattle (By Kate)

Online dating and ranching have more in common than I originally thought. Both are messy, overwhelming and throw me way out of my comfort zone. It is like "herding cattle" or a potential match to the water hole. But once at the water hole all traditional dating tactics are thrown aside.

Within the first 36 hours I was given two numbers. One by a sir who forgot to give me his name and anotherwho was passing it out like people pass out hors d'oeuvres. (needless to say,) I wasn't picking what he was passing. I was taken aback when a sir was honest with his need for "friends with benefits". I wished him luck on his search and said that I would pass but I did learn the whole situation required a glass or two (or a bottle) of wine which I was out of (note to self: restock wine before checking Match again).

Here is what I have gather after first dust settled:

1. Getting a phone number from a guy who (one) you have never met or (two) who you know nothing  about for that matter; seems much less creepy in a bar and after he (hopefully!) has bought you a drink then coming email from a stranger. Yeah, no free cocktail arrives at your front door when you sign in.

2. Instant messaging which I thought died in high school is back with vengeance. YIKES.

3. I feel as though I have been blindfolded and am trying to laso a moving target! There is nothing easy about this process (not that I am not accepting of the challenge) and it does not come with a manual. All words of wisdom are welcome (please share). 

4. Online dating it can be down right forward and most times awkward. I can be (well am) awkward this whole situation flusters me. It is like a personal Dinner for Schmucks. Ughhh to you madam for the horrible movie suggestion...woof.

Soooo, I will jump back on the horse and see where this takes me. The patience to see this through will be tough and God knows Laurel agrees. We didn't realize there was actual work involved but hell we are in it now and can't turn back.

Here's to the rodeo! Cocktail please.

K

Rule #1: Expect Foot Fetishes (by Laurel)

Ooooookayyy... never have I woken up so anxious to sign into my gmail account. I'm not joking. They send you literally every update on your account including, but not limited to, "winks" (real life), when someone favorites you (not, to our initial belief, a private archive.. woof), personal emails and "expressing interest." God knows what ANY of it means but it is happening and it is giving me heart palpitations. 


Now, for those of you who know me, this dating website thing is not at all my personality. First of all, I don't take compliments well so don't give them to me. Tell my I'm attractive? I'll make a muppet face at you, scare you away and call it a day. Secondly, contrary to popular belief, I do not like attention from strangers. It freaks me out initially and is something I am clearly going to have to work on for the next few months. 


Anyway, this is what I woke up to and why I am now anxious to check my gmail account. [As a note please do keep in mind that our profiles have been live for LESS THAN 24 hours:]


-9 emails
-8 expressions of "interest" (?? I don't think I will ever know)
-3 "favorites" (aka I was publicly "bookmarked" by someone.. sounds mortifying. It is.)
-13 WINKS (I have no words..)


The emails ranged from life stories, "heys" appended by a winky face (vomit) and the straightforward "want to go for drinks?." My response to everything? HOW DO WE HANDLE THIS?! This whole situation should have been prefaced by a class of some sort, maybe entitled "Best Practices of Online Dating" or "Common Courtesy's of Online Dating." For instance, if I am not at all interested do I just not respond? That seems sad but it also stresses my Type A personality out that I have emails just floating in my Inbox. 


Then, the ultimate happened. And by ultimate I mean the exact reason why people fear dating websites: the in-interface IM. Yes, they exist. This is what it said: 

No, I did not make this up for show. Let's just say I wish that was the case. WHY WHY WHYYYY. This is mortifying. 


So, in short, I am freaked out, anxiety ridden and in no state to date a random man. I did get a few gems in there so we'll see where that takes us. Though, I have to be honest - never have I felt more awkward writing an email.


So that's Day 1. Someone get me a beer.


L

Doesn't Mean I Can't Date Him... and Fuck Him.

And so it begins.  The whole process was like shoving a large amount anxiety into our tiny pinot grigo bottles, shaking them up and setting that shit free. It was crazy. We aren't kidding.  Here are our thoughts:


Part I: What You Need
-milk duds, copious amounts of wine, patience (that neither of us have) and Clarence's toots to give you the occasional reprieve.


Part II: Questions we pondered and situations we think everyone can appreciate: 
1) Why did they put "Naughty" in front of everyone's suggested log-in names? And why were we forced to include some sort of variation of "sassy" into our usernames (Kate says SINS) - are we reverting back to our AIM days?
2) What does our body type have to do with anything? Can't they see our pictures? Plus, show me/describe "big and beautiful." Is this, or is this not, cow-like? HEY COW. Moo.

3) There was a humor question in there which we appreciated. However, we got to thinking about what kind of men come to you when you select either Chris Rock or Ellen DeGeneres for your favorite comedian (i.e are we getting the Tyler Perry's of the world?) - both were selected so we'll keep you posted on how that plays out.
4) If you like your men a little soft around the edges but not "a few extra pounds," "stocky" or "heavy set" you are shit outta luck, honey.
5) There were options for expressing an interest specifically in balding men, as well as men with platinum hair. What, are we dating Cisqo?!
6) In choosing desired religious tendencies of your significant other, keep in mind that your mother's approval doesn't always need to be a factor (see post title)
7) We originally thought we were being cute and funny in our describe ourselves (Kate would have dated Laurel "in a nano") but the sad reality was is that we are NOT as funny as some of the men on this situation. Quick snippet from one of our faves:
"Pet Peeves: Drivers who hesitate at a 4 way stop... I go? No, you go? Me? Who?... urgggggh."
^^whoever you are, we die for you even though you haven't changed your brita filter in 2 years.
8) We may or may not be competing for the same men. May the best bitch win.


III. Final Thoughts 
1) What we thought is a "poke" is a "wink." That's happening.
2) After aggressively surveying our matches and subsequently adding quite a number to "our favorites" (thinking they would merely remain in our archives) we have come to realize that, on the contrary, the other party can actually see who has favorited them. We are mortified but continue to keep them in our archives. (We can only hope for some in return).


Over and out.
L&K